Maybe So, Maybe Not. We’ll See.
Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT
May 14, 2013
There is a Chinese Proverb that goes something like this…
A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbors exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The neighbors shouted out, “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all the able-bodied boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, still recovering from his injury. Friends shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
The point of this story is that in the moment, we do not really know whether an outcome is good or bad. Typically we only know whether something was a benefit or detriment to us by looking back over time.
This is absolutely true in recovery from sex addiction. There are many things that happen to addicts that can initially be thought of as bad. This might be a slip or relapse. This might be struggling with addictive thoughts or urges. This might be your therapist or sponsor encouraging you to report recent struggles or slips to your partner. This might be your partner discovering a recent acting out episode that you had concealed from them. All of these situations often bring up fear and pain and it is easy for the addict to interpret those events as bad.
However when we look back at these same events over time, we often see them differently. With time, we often recognize that these very events as important steppingstones in our recovery process. We may not appreciate the slip or relapse but, in time, we realize it was what we learned from that slip or relapse that allowed for more consistent sobriety and a stronger recovery. We may not have wanted our partner to be aware of our addictive struggles but, in time, we realize it was the process of honestly sharing those struggles with our partner that helped rebuild trust in the relationship. We may not have wanted our partner to discover our acting out but, in time, we realize that seeing how much our partner was impacted by our addictive behaviors finally strengthened our motivation to stay sober.
So the next time you are feeling the pain and struggle of your addiction or feeling fear about sharing your experience honestly with your partner, remember that you are not in a position to judge whether this experience is good or bad. You don’t really know. You are too close to the situation and the moment. It will take time before you have a clear sense of whether this event or consequence was a benefit or a detriment. So, instead of worrying about good or bad, focus on working your program as consistently as possible and say to yourself “Good luck? Bad luck? Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
