by Jeanne Vattuone
Stay on Your Side of the Street!?!
No way! Let’s get a Fence instead!
Stay on Your Side of the Street! Ever heard this phrase?
“Stay on your side of the street” is a popular phrase in addiction recovery. It means that family members of the addict are to have boundaries and stay separate from the addict’s recovery journey. It encourages the idea that the addict is responsible for their own addiction and recovery work and loved ones are to not get overly involved in the process.
For couples where there is sex addiction and betrayal trauma in the relationship, this phrase is archaic and destructive. This phrase ignorantly dismisses the traumatic impact on the betrayed partner. It does not acknowledge nor validate the true destruction and damage that the betraying behavior has caused in the relationship and to the partner’s life.
In sex addiction, the betrayed partner has a very different experience than partners of drug or alcohol addicts. In this unique addiction, the hiding, lying, and misleading efforts by the addict to cover and avoid detection are not visible by the partner. Sex addiction is odorless, tasteless, and invisible. A partner cannot see when her mate is under the influence of this addiction or has recently used this substance. An addict can stand eyeball to eyeball with a partner, lie about his/her use, and the partner sometimes cannot detect the lie. This dynamic of reality distortion creates destruction to the partner’s intuition and the ability to trust their own judgement. There are a host of sexual injuries that occur to a sex addiction betrayed partner that are not present in other addictions.
Let’s switch metaphors and think of a Fence.
This Fence is a four-foot-high fence that divides two people’s yards. Each yard has been personalized to its owner. Some yards have elaborate patios, chairs, awnings, BBQ setups, etc. Some yards are simpler with a small shade, one chair, free roaming plants and vegetation, etc. Each person has a way, a style, in which they manage their lives, tasks, relationships, hobbies, etc. Each has value in its uniqueness. When a person is in a committed relationship, they must work towards interacting with respect, kindness, and direct communication. They must “come to The Fence” to talk about their relationships, family needs, work, basically all of life. The Fence is the mutual property line between their two independent selves.
In a relationship, each partner can come to The Fence to make a request, share information, or share an opinion. When a mate comes to The Fence to share their thoughts, opinions, and requests, the share is to be listened to, considered, and reflected upon. This does not mean that the receiving person hearing the share or request must “give in” to the request. This would lead to power differences between the coupleship members and cause other problems in the relationship. When someone is receiving the share, the receiver gets to choose whether they will complete the request or deny it.
Here’s an example in a sex addiction and betrayal scenario:
Sharon has learned of Dante’s porn addiction and his multiple affairs over the last 10 years. Both are in therapy to learn, explore, create sobriety, address the betrayal, create safety in their relationship, and trust is appropriately missing. Trust needs to be earned slowly and consistently over time.
Sharon “comes to The Fence” and says to Dante “I have great fears about your sobriety and getting hurt again. I would like you to attend two 12-step meetings per week. I will feel somewhat emotionally safer if you were to attend these meetings. Will you do this?”
Sharon did not say “You need to ……..” Sharon did not “tell him what to do”. Sharon did not “cross the street” and give him an ultimatum about his yard and how he must grow his plants. She expressed her need, her thoughts and feelings, and made a request. Sharon used good direct communication in asserting herself.
Now, let’s say that Sharon did not use her good therapy skills in speaking to Dante. Let’s say she fell back into old language patterns and did say “You need to….” “You have to……” or “You’d better……”. Either way, Dante is responsible for himself and his decisions.
Dante has choices to make. He can take time to reflect on this request. He can consult with his therapist and recovery community. He can choose to attend the meetings or not. It is his choice!
That said, let’s imagine Dante decides not to attend the meetings. He thinks meetings are not helpful. He has lots of reasons why he thinks meetings are not a good fit for him. Dante tells Sharon “No”. Best guess – Sharon will not feel safer, will not feel closer to Dante, and she will not believe that he understands her pain. She will “walk away” from The Fence, sit in her chair, and separate herself from him further. Because, just as Dante has choices, so does Sharon. She gets to choose who she wants to be in a relationship with, who she shares her life and soul with, who she shares her sexual body with. She walks away from The Fence feeling distant, unloved by her partner, and alone.
If Dante were to say “Yes”, Sharon will feel more understood by Dante, more empathy and sympathy from Dante, and a small token of trust is gained. Sharon may be more interested in working with Dante on future issues and struggles that will arise in their journey to healing if he meets this request.
Many addicts have an “all or none” world view. This means that they see things in extremes- a mentality that a person has only two options. “I have to agree with all her requests” or “I will agree to none of her requests”.
I often ask clients “What happened to Option Three?” There is a third option! The third option (or 4th, 5th, or 6th, etc.) is somewhere between the ALL or NONE. They are the options in the middle between the two extreme points. For example, we can find an option that it agreeable to both individuals that is neither a Win or Lose outcome.
Let’s get back to The Fence. Sharon comes to The Fence. She shares her thoughts, feelings, needs, and requests. Dante listens and works to understand Sharon’s perspective. He considers her share and asks questions to better clarify her needs. Dante offers other ideas and express his own thoughts, feelings, and needs. Dante and Sharon continue to discuss, explore ideas, and then mutually agree on a plan. It is an agreement of action – no one has to do all or none of the initial requests. This art of negotiation and mutual decision making is essential for couples in recovery.
Relationships do best when relationship partners come to The Fence, share their thoughts and opinions, and then inquire about the other person’s thoughts and opinions. Embracing the metaphor of The Fence provides clarity about personal boundaries, growth, healing, and recovery while assisting in the betterment of communication and negotiation skills.
