Why Barriers and Self-Control are Both Important in Recovery from Sex Addiction
Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT
November 21, 2012
Self-control is important in recovery from sex addiction. For example, if your addiction involves on-line pornography or other on-line behaviors, putting a filter on your computer to block you from going to those places is often a good idea. However, eventually you need to convert that filter from being a barrier that keeps you from doing a behavior to something that holds you accountable. With on-line behaviors, this means using a tracker. An internet tracker records where you are going on-line and sends that information to someone who is supporting you in your recovery. They can monitor your on-line behavior and hold you accountable. In this way you are not relying on an external barrier to control your behavior and you are learning to hold that boundary yourself. This is important because there will always come a time when external barriers will not be as effective because of circumstances or technology changes. There will always come a time, sooner or later, when you will need to hold that boundary yourself. It is important to develop that sort of self-control; a sex addict in solid recovery is always working on this.
Having said that, it is also important to understand where you are in your recovery, where you are in the development of your self-control, and where you are in the moment. There are times that a self-maintained boundary is effective and it would be great if you could simply put a tracker on your computer and no longer act out your addiction on-line. However, especially early in recovery, that is usually not the case. If you find yourself consistently going to addictive sites on your computer and you are not successful in holding that boundary yourself, then you need to acknowledge that a barrier that is not dependent on your self-control is necessary. There is no shame in acknowledging that you need a barrier to contain yourself. After all, if you’re an addict then your behavior has been out of control for quite some time and, most likely, you have unsuccessfully tried to stop or control it in the past. Simply entering recovery does not change this pattern. Putting a barrier in place protects you and others; not acknowledging that you need a barrier and relapsing continues the damage of your addiction.
This idea of a barriers vs. self-control applies to off-line aspects of your recovery as well. For example, if you are in a restaurant with your partner and somebody walks in that triggers your addictive thoughts or preoccupation, it would be great if you could exercise your self-control, let go of the addictive energy, and return your focus back to your partner. If you can do that, wonderful. However, if you have a hard time not glancing over at them, your mind is preoccupied with this person’s presence, and your partner recognizes that you are not fully present with them (trust me, they will recognize this), you are creating chaos in your life, damaging the trust you have been building in your relationship, and undermining your chances of continued sobriety. It does not matter if you are early in recovery and still learning self-control or if you have significant recovery under your belt but your addict is up and you are struggling to manage in the moment, put a barrier up! Move your chair so that they are behind you and you can’t see them. Move to a different table. Excuse yourself and make a program call. Anything is better than white knuckling through a situation because you think you need to rely solely on your self-control.
In my own personal life, one of my struggles is getting glued into the TV. It doesn’t matter how interesting or how boring the TV show is, it takes my attention away from others. I have had to learn to manage this. If I am out with others, the intent is to enjoy conversation, and there is a TV on, it is best if I put my back to the TV. It would be great if I developed the self-control to not look at the TV, and that is something that I am consistently working on. However, in that moment, what is most important is that I am present with whoever I am involved in conversation with not that I successfully mastered self-control. If that means that I place myself in a position where the TV is behind me, so be it. I have created a barrier, so I am not lost in my preoccupation with the TV.
Do not feel like you have to immediately master self-control. If you need to create a barrier to manage yourself and your situations, then do it! It is not a failure that you have not yet developed or, in the moment, cannot tap into self-control. Recovery is a process with ebbs and flows; there are moments of serenity and moments of chaos. Continue to develop your self-control but use barriers as often as you need.
