The Importance of Working on Your Core Beliefs in Recovery
Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT
November 25, 2012
When it comes to recovery from sex addiction, you eventually need to get underneath the behavior and do the work of shifting your core beliefs. Now, don’t get me wrong, getting your behavior under control when you are in recovery is very important. You have to stop the acting out and, therefore, you have to do the work of getting sober, understanding the tools that you need to stay sober, and building a consistent routine that supports your sobriety. That is hugely important. However, if you stop there, the likihood of maintaining successful sobriety for an extended period of time is minimal because underneath those behaviors are the core beliefs that feed your addiction. For sex addicts, there are typically four or five core beliefs: (1) I am basically a bad, unworthy person, (2) No one would love me if they really knew who I was, (3) If I have to depend on other people to have my needs met they will not be met, (4) Sex is my most important need, and (5) I am bad because sex is my most important need.
Eventually you have to get in and deal with those core beliefs. You need to replace them with self-acceptance, self-love, self-nurturance, and opening yourself up. If you don’t, the negative core beliefs end up separating you from all the beauty and light that is around you in your life. They create a barrier between you and the love, nurturance, and acceptance that other people are able to offer you.
Let me give you an example. If someone says to you, “Hey, I really appreciate what you did today. I am glad you are in my life.” and your sex addict core beliefs are still in place you might think “If you really knew who I was you wouldn’t say that.” Someone has just offered you a beautiful piece of acceptance and your core beliefs created a barrier blocking your acceptance of it. This barrier feeds the emotional wound underneath your addiction. It feeds the shame that you feel and eventually this process re-energizes your addict and your sexually addictive behavior will kick back in.
Do the work to get sober and stay sober but don’t stop your work at that point. Keep digging and exploring your inner experience because the really deep work of recovery from sex addiction is shifting your core beliefs; this is the true healing of recovery. Heal your core beliefs and open yourself up to the love and nurturance that others have to offer.
