Thought for the Week

Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT

April 15, 2013

Do I like them not do they like me

The dating model many of us follow is to identify someone we find attractive and present ourselves in a way that they will find attractive.  As long as you continue to want me, dating is successful.  The problem with this model is that when we primarily put energy into creating a facade that others will find attractive, we are not putting energy into finding out who the other person really is.   Many relationships end painfully when one or both individuals finally see through their partner’s facade; they realize their partner is a very different person than the facade they bought into and feel hurt, angry, and sometimes betrayed.  A more effective dating model is “I find you interesting.  I am dating you to find out who you are so I can decide whether or not I want a deeper relationship with you.  I am being myself so you can find out who I am and decide if you want a deeper relationship with me.  If I, you, or we decide to stop dating it simply means it is not a good fit.  My value and your value are not increased if we continue dating and are not decreased if we stop.”

Am I more focused on whether others like me or whether I like them?  Do I allow others to really know me?  Do I put time and energy into finding out who they are beyond “attractive?”