Why Holding Boundaries around Fantasy is Important in Recovery from Sex and Love Addiction
Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT
February 20, 2013
The use of fantasy is frequently a problematic behavior in sex and love addiction and, unfortunately, one that is often over looked. Fantasy shows up in a variety of ways: preoccupation with another person, obsession with a possible relationship, preoccupation with a possible relationship but having an unwillingness to pursue the relationship in reality which may taint the fantasy, future-tripping in a relationship (imagining what it might be like to be married to this person or to be in a relationship with this person), imagining sexual behaviors with a person, reliving past sexual experiences, or preoccupation with possible sexual interludes.
Fantasy, sexual or not, is a normal part of life. Non-addicts can enjoy fantasy, let it go, and re-connect to reality. They do not get hooked. However, for sex and love addicts, it can be a problematic behavior. Addictive behaviors become compulsive (almost automatic), take time and energy away from other activities and connections in the addict’s life, and start to create negative consequences. When the relationship in your fantasy is more important than, or in lieu of, real life relationships, it is problematic. When the fantasy build up to romantic or sexual interludes is more enticing or satisfying that the real life interludes, it is problematic. When the sexual hit of you receive from others is more connected to your fantasy than the reality of them, it is problematic. Basically, when the situation or energy is primarily hooked to the fantasy, you are asking for problems. Fantasy is often hooked into sex or love addiction and, as an addict, if you give yourself permission to continue engaging in fantasy, you are in denial about how cunning, baffling, and powerful your addiction is.
For many sex and love addicts, fantasy feeds into the addiction system, fuels the system up, and pulls them into addictive sexual or relational behaviors in real life. One reason this happens is that our brain cannot tell the difference between what is happening inside the brain and what is happening outside the brain. In one study, they took a group of people, taught them a simple one handed pattern on a musical keyboard, and measured the size of the area in the brain that was dedicated to the movement of those fingers. They then asked the people to practice the pattern on a musical keyboard 15 minutes every day and, after three weeks, the researchers found the size of the area in the brain responsible for those fingers had grown. The brain had dedicated more of itself to controlling those fingers because they were being used. Then the researchers took a different group of people, taught them the same pattern on a musical keyboard, and measured the size of the area of the brain responsible for those finger movements. They then asked these people to not touch a musical keyboard for the next three weeks but to sit and, without moving their fingers, THINK for 15 minutes about the pattern they had learned on the musical keyboard. When they brought these people back they found that the area of the brain responsible for the movements of those fingers had grown exactly like it did for the people who actually played the pattern. Their brains reacted exactly the same way to the thoughts as it did to the behavior. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what happens outside and what happens inside your brain. Professional athletes have known this for years and frequently use visualization to improve their performance.
When it comes to recovery from addiction, we are trying to change behaviors but ultimately sustained sobriety requires us to change the patterns in our brain. When we engage in fantasy, our brain cannot tell the difference between engaging in the fantasy and engaging in the behavior. Neurologically, our brain reacts in the same way. This truth is the basis of the three second rule common in sex and love addiction 12 step programs which can be described as “once you recognize you are having addictive thoughts (fantasy), don’t beat yourself up for having them but move your consciousness away from those thoughts.”
If you truly want to hang onto sobriety from sex or love addiction, you need to recognize if fantasy is a part (even a small part) of your addiction. If so, learn to contain your fantasy, whether that is reliving past sexual experiences, fantasizing about future sexual experiences, or being obsessed with or fantasizing about a relationship. All of those fantasy behaviors undermine your recovery and sobriety.
