Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT
June 27, 2013
It is important to share your struggles in recovery with your partner in order to rebuild trust in your relationship. In early recovery, addicts want to point out all the good things they are doing: the meetings they are attending, new insights into their behavior patterns, and the commonalities they are hearing with other people who are finding sobriety. Addicts are frequently motivated to share these perceived “successes” with their partner. However, after all the pain and damage the addict has done to their partner and their relationship, sharing that they are having addictive thoughts, urges, or are just feeling their addiction floating in the background, is not usually high on their list of things to share with their partner but it should be! Sharing these struggles is one of the most powerful things an addict can do to rebuild trust and help the relationship to heal.
From the partner’s perspective, they have felt the addiction and its impact for a very long time. Chances are that they felt the addiction even before they could identify what it was. Partners are not always able to consciously identify what they are picking up on from the addict but they tend to have a very clear and accurate sense of when the addict is off or when the addict is hiding something. They developed this skill to survive the craziness of being in relationship with an addict or the craziness of the family they grew up in.
As the addict enters recovery, there are all kinds of very positive things that they are doing and that are happening for them. These are wonderful and I absolutely suggest that addicts share these experiences with their partner. However, addicts must understand that while sharing these experiences may be reassuring and comforting to their partner, they do not rebuild trust. Trust does not get rebuilt when things are easy. Addicts have betrayed their partner and cut them to the bone. Trust will not be rebuilt because things are easy and the addict is not tempted to betray and hurt their partner again, either directly or indirectly. Trust will be rebuilt when that temptation or opportunity is there and the addict actively protects their partner as best they can. This may be by working their program, white-knuckling through a difficult time, or acknowledging a slip or relapse so their partner is not blind-sided by the situation. Partners will learn how much they can trust the addict by being aware of how the addict handles challenging times and situations.
In recovery, there is no shortage of challenging times and situations. These challenges may come from the addict’s realizations about themself such as recognizing that under the surface they are self-centered, afraid, angry, or feel like a hurt child wanting love and acceptance. These challenges may come from addictive thoughts, euphoric recall of past acting out, or addictive sexual fantasies. These challenges may come from walking into gray area addictive behaviors such as not looking at porn but perusing fashion images online, not using a prostitute but driving through “that part of town,” or not having sex outside of your relationship but having a conversation with a former affair partner in the grocery store. These challenges may also come from a relapse.
When these challenges come, addicts have a choice to make. They can hide the challenges or they can respectfully share these challenges with their partner. If an addict hides these challenges from their partner, usually in an attempt to make the here and now as comfortable and tension free as possible, they set their relationship up for major conflict and significant consequences later on. When these challenges come to light (and they always come to light sooner or later), the addict will have undermined whatever trust their partner may have held in them and their relationship. This pattern is one of the most effective ways I know to destroy a relationship. I do not recommend this course of action.
The other choice is to embrace the opportunity that these challenges present and actively rebuild trust. This means the addict, respectfully and with appropriate boundaries, sharing with their partner what has been going on, sharing what the addict is learning about themselves (even the uncomfortable and less flattering self-realizations), and sharing when the addiction is rearing its head. How the addict shares this and the level of detail that the addict includes should be discussed with their partner as a part of recovery and ideally this conversation has happened prior to the need for the addict to share. Regardless, the sharing of struggles is what helps to rebuild trust.
In the short term the partner may be upset, hurt, and angry. The evening may not go well. However, in the long run, when what the addict shares matches what the partner’s gut is already telling them, trust has the opportunity to be rebuilt. Sharing these struggles say’s to your partner “I will not turn my back on you anymore. I will stay as present as I can and I will keep you in the loop of situations that may be risky for you. I will not blind-side you or leave you unaware any longer.” This is especially true of relapse. For an addict that has hidden so much of themself while acting out, reporting a relapse to their partner can feel scary. For the partner who is recognizing and feeling the impact that the addiction has had on them, it can be traumatic for a partner to hear that a relapse occurred. None the less, it is still important to share a relapse. Not all relationships survive a relapse but by hiding it, you undermine the trust in the relationship and create a secret that is waiting to do significantly more damage to the relationship once it comes to light (and it always, eventually comes to light).
Share the wonderful and positive experiences and realizations that you are getting in recovery but do not forget to share the challenges and unsavory realizations with your partner as well. Sharing these challenges is truly the work that rebuilds trust in relationships. This is hard. This is scary. This is challenging. And not all relationships survive. But without this kind of rigorous honesty, the trust in the relationship is doomed. So feel the fear. Reach out to your support community. Ask for help. And take the risk of honestly and respectfully sharing your struggles. Give your relationship a chance to rebuild the trust.
