Why Being Vigilant About “Sleeper Waves” is Important in Recovery from Sex Addiction
Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT
January 15, 2013
The concept of sleeper waves is important when you’re in recovery from sex addiction. Here in Sonoma County, there is a beautiful beach called Goat Rock. Sea lions hang out there. It’s right on the the mouth of the Russian River. It’s an amazing and beautiful beach. However, they have warning signs up because this particular beach is especially susceptible to sleeper waves. The warning signs encourage you to stay aware and not turn your back to the ocean. At Goat Rock you can be hanging out and there will be the standard ocean waves but every now and then there will be this huge wave that is mixed in. That’s a sleeper wave. It will come up the shore a lot farther than the other waves. It has more power to knock you to down and to drag you out into the ocean. When you are not paying attention, sleeper waves can be devastating.
When it comes to recovery with sex addiction, staying vigilant is equally important. Early in recovery the challenge is holding boundaries; not giving in to your addictive urges. When you are really struggling with boundaries, your recovery work is front and center. You are consciously making sure that you are using your recovery tools because it is a constant struggle to hold those boundaries. As you get some momentum in holding your boundaries, there is a chance of getting lulled into false comfort. You might begin to think “I have been able to resist the addictive urges that come up and I feel like I am doing well. I haven’t struggled much lately and I have this figured out.” You might start to get complacent. You might start to loosen your recovery routine. You might stop being as vigilant as when the struggle was stronger and more consistent. You might stop paying attention to what situations are coming up that tend to create vulnerability for you.
When you get complacent you set yourself up for the sleeper wave. I have seen people who have been doing well in their recovery, been able to maintain sobriety for a number of months (sometimes years) and then, out of the blue, they have that one night where the sleeper wave of addictive energy hits. They are white knuckling it through the night and feeling the cold sweats of addiction. The addiction just took hold and is not letting go gently. Unfortunately, this is often the time when relapse happens; this is the time when giving in seems like the easier and better option. Part of the sleeper waves power comes from the energy attached to it. Part of its power comes from being caught off guard.
You can’t control the energy attached to an addictive urge. But you do have control over being prepared! Do not get lulled into believing it is calm, that you can easily hold your boundaries, or that because you are doing well right now that you do not need to keep working. These false beliefs set you up for the sleeper waves. They make you vulnerable to being dragged away from your sobriety and out into your addiction. Appreciate it when your recovery is going smoothly and you have found a place of calm. But remember, this too shall pass, whether it is serenity or chaos. Do not fool yourself that this time of calmness will last or that do not need to actively work to maintain it. That is when the sleeper waves are building. Do not miss them. Do not lull yourself to sleep. Do not get complacent. Keep working your recovery routine. Keep yourself vigilant. That’s one of the keys to successful sobriety.
